Laughing in the darkness


IT ‘s been a rough couple rough couple rough, I say, rough


been a rough couple of months.

It began with my husband’s elective surgery to repair a major heart valve.

Open heart elective surgery.  He was in the cardiac ICU. He began bleeding so badly they had to take him back for open heart surgery again.  This time, not elective.

there was a brief stint in rehab, which for some reason he blamed me for.  (Anesthetic hangover?)

Then he came home.  For ten hours.

That ended when I called 911, shortly after which his eyes rolled back in his head and he stopped breathing.

Back in the ICU, he was diagnosed with pneumonia (definitely not elective).

After some time (it is mostly a blur), he came home, coughing and wheezing.  He is still being visited at home 2x a week by the nurse.  He also sees a physical therapist at home, and saw an occupational therapist a couple of times.


Suddenly, my beloved standard poodle Billie, began having a nosebleed.  Our regular vet came and said she needed to go to the hospital.

She was there two days and was diagnosed with IMT, an auto immune blood disorder.  It is serious stuff.  She is on Prednisone and a couple of other drugs.  If she doesn’t make it, I will die. (Not elective.)

All this time, Donald Trump has been President.  I blame him for this.

(he was really non-elective.)



Chickenshit and Me

Chicken shit has played a far greater role in my life than I ever imagined.

My cousin Sandy and I on my Uncle Burt and Aunt Grace’s  farm in 1946 or so
Immediately following this seemingly bucolic shot of us, something drastic happened.  You can just begin to see in Sandy’s expression the beginning of protest that I had a deathgrip on the very kitten she wanted to hold.
The adults retreated back into the house, and trouble escalated quickly.  Suddenly, I let the kitten go because I was hit soundly with the most abundant weapon handy.  And that, my friends , was my first battle with chicken shit.  We threw it at each other furiously, screaming at the top of our lungs, until it was in our hair, on our faces, and all over the clothes we had worn to church.
It was not to be my last encounter with chickenshit.
My first corporate job was editor of the company magazine for a frozen dinner producer.  In that capacity, I slung written public relations chickenshit on glossy paper, and trudged through acres of real chickenshit with plastic disposable  booties on my feet.
 Now, in 2017, I am ready to wage a chickenshit fight unlike anything I have ever known,
With the biggest bunch of political chickenshits this country has ever known,
Headed by a big orange-faced King of all chickenshits.
I may be old, but I know my chickenshit.
And I know how to use it.



I was here yesterday.

For the first time since 1990. I was here for a memorial service. But, as it turned out, I was not only remembering a friend who died.  I was remembering a part of myself who died here, so many years ago.  I remembered singing here in a choir.  I remembered speaking here from the pulpit.  I remembered candlelight and community.  I remembered faces and sermons I loved.  I remembered the first time I came here and felt I was home. I remembered the last time I was here, sitting in the back pew because I felt shamed by what my then-husband had done.

Now I have an incredible husband, who sat beside me in not-the-last pew, as I shed tears and remembered.

It might still be my sanctuary, in every way possible.


I have cried all my tears

I went silent after the election, shocked and numbed by what had happened.  An orange-faced baboon with the attention span and emotional maturity of a toddler would be putting his generously formed, 70-year-0ld ass in the chair behind the desk in the oval office.  I was temporarily paralyzed.

Not anymore.  I donated to Planned Parenthood and to a  food bank serving Hispanic families.  I learned that if you call congresspeople rather than email, you have a better chance of getting your message across, because an aide has to answer phone and report the call.  You can be a huge pain in the ass.

I vowed never to accept that things are normal anymore.  There has been a shift, and it has changed how we look at this country, at our neighbors.  All I can do is save as many people as I can.  I will pay more attention to what goes on around me.  I will question the news.  We are not who I always thought we were.  That is my fault, for somehow deluding myself.  There is way more hate, and bias, and anger here.

The thing is, I have taken a deep breath.  I will do all I can.  In the meantime, I have put up my Christmas tree, and found a picture of this incredible, way over the top manger monstrosity, which I think is quite humorous.



A thought on election day 2016

We are frightened and torn today, a country more divided than I have seen in my seven decades of life. I know the Irish to be a dark lot, but I am reminded of W.B Yeats poem as I wait to hear the results.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?