Toddling Along

Toddlers are magnificent.

My reasons may be clouded by the fact that I have never had one full-time.  They are just trying out their limited knowledge and vocabulary, and using them both loudly and freely,generally to embarrass their parents.  In public.

If you are a bystander, it’s hilarious.  Here’s just a few examples…

When I worked in the library one evening, a mom I really liked came in with her two kids…a vocal toddler and a baby.  As the mother set the baby on her hip, the talking child loudly proclaimed,  “WE WOULD HAVE COME SOONER, BUT LILY HAD A BIG POOP THAT RAN OUT OF HER DIAPER AND ALL OVER MOMMY.”


During story hour one day, I was reading a book about animals, and asking the kids to name each one as I turned the pages.  There was a picture of a squirrel.  I asked what it was.  Before anyone else could answer, a dainty little toddler in the back answered “TREE RAT.”  When her red-faced mother quietly corrected her, she replied, “WELL, THAT’S WHAT DADDY CALLS THEM.”


One of my favorites happened at my house during a small party.  The toddler, fresh from nursery school (where she picked up some new vocabulary), was presented by her mom with a dish of ice cream.  She looked at it and said, “I’ts not enough,”  Her mother assured her it was.  And then, in a statement that made everyone in the room stop breathing for a moment, she said, “I SAID IT’S NOT ENOUGH….YOU STUPID IDIOT.”  There was no ice cream for her.  No more party, either.  Her mother carried her, screaming, out of the house.  By the way, the toddler is now 30.


My friend took her twin toddlers to the pediatrician to get a flu shot.  Her attention distracted by the ring of her phone, she glanced up to find one of the twins licking the doorknob at the clinic!  HE IS NOW 16.


As some toddlers do, my nephew was devoted to a phrase he knew would get a rise out of everybody.  It was BIG BUTT.  He was punished, corrected, denied things….nothing worked.  But gradually, he began using the phrase a little less.  One day, his daddy took him to the store, and he was sitting quietly in the cart, facing dad.  The store was packed and the checkout lines long.  Dad was finally able to find a line, and other carts stacked up behind them.  Dad looked up, and saw to his horror that they were directly behind the cart of a woman with a huge posterior.  Thinking to himself,”maybehewontturnaroundohgodpleasedontlethimturnaround,” his toddler did indeed turn around, saw the woman and invoked, “WHOA….BIG BUTT. ”




8 thoughts on “Toddling Along

  1. Rick was about 3 and hadn’t been on a lot of elevators in large buildings! Here we are, with about five people assending rapidly to the 10th floor, when he grabs his front, and loudly tells me…”Mommy! That makes my Tee-tee feel funny!!” We could go on…..and this just might start a whole new blog!!! 💞 Love ya girl!!

  2. These are hilarious and true! I know this because one is about me and my son
    😉 Last weekend my niece sent me a photo of her dog she had just groomed. The dog looked ashamed. Naturally I had to share your “I am woman, I am dog groomer” story about Markus Eugene Underwood and Don King. You are hilarious and I love you!

  3. I had a friend who was pet-sitting her friend’s bird, some big bird named Charlemagne. Her toddler daughter could not say ‘Charlemagne.’ My friend tried explaining to her, ‘Charlemagne was a very important king hundreds of years ago.’ Her daughter took her fingers out of her mouth and asked, ‘Why he a bird now?’

  4. The toddler licking the clinic doorknob reminded me of when my daughter (now 45) was sitting in the shopping cart at the supermarket while I was putting the groceries onto the conveyor belt. This was in the early 70’s when they still used to hand stamp the backs of customers’ checks at the check-out stand. She was only about a year and a half old, but she was fast. Before I knew what was happening, she reached over, grabbed the inked up stamp and rubbed it all over her tongue. Another time, we were at the bank where they had a big display of dishes that they were giving out with new accounts. Again, Miss Grabby leaned over and pulled on a plate, crashing it to the floor. You know how quiet banks are? The sound was like an explosion. Mortification for mom.

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